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ASHCROFT: TERRORISTS PLANNING ‘SPECTACULAR’ GAY WEDDINGS

Gayer-than-usual Chatter Intercepted

Attorney General John Ashcroft today revealed that the Justice Department has collected “credible evidence” that terrorists may be planning “spectacular” gay weddings to coincide with the 4th of July holiday weekend.

“There is little doubt that these evildoers intend to hit us hard, the best way they know how – with spectacular, flamboyantly gay weddings,” Mr. Ashcroft said.

Mr. Ashcroft hastened to add that the Department of Justice did not know where or when the weddings might take place, adding, “When terrorists are planning gay weddings, they don’t send you an engraved invitation.”

But the Attorney General said that, according to chatter intercepted by Justice Department agents, “There can be no doubt that these gay weddings will be the gayest ever.”

Just minutes after Mr. Ashcroft concluded his remarks, however, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge made a statement that seemed, on the surface at least, to contradict the Attorney General’s: “While there has been some increase in terrorist chatter, the chatter itself has been no gayer than usual.”

Mr. Ridge conceded that the intercepted terrorist chatter contained “some gay content,” such as effusive remarks about the actor Brad Pitt, but that Americans “should go about their 4th of July activities without worrying that a spectacular series of gay weddings is about to occur.”

In other news, Iraqi officials said that former dictator Saddam Hussein made five failed escape attempts since being transferred to Iraqi custody yesterday.

In one of the ill-conceived prison breaks described by the officials, the former Iraqi strongman attempted to distract his jailers’ attention by shouting, “Look, over there – it’s Paris Hilton!”